The 'Let Them' theory

Is it even a theory, just the latest mindset hack, or something deeper?

Starting from the premise that it’s a waste of energy trying to control other people’s thoughts, moods or actions, the latest book from American author and podcast host Mel Robbins, The Let Them Theory, isn’t even really a theory at all. It’s a straight-talking wake-up call. One that could be incredibly useful to many.

It certainly was to me. So here’s a quick introduction, some nuggets and a recommendation that you download it for your next listen (I find books like this are best on Audible because she’s talking directly to you, which helps you pay attention!)

EDIT: An additional note, following a few messages that had me putting my research hat on again, it seems that the notion of “Let Them” perhaps first originated with the following poem by Cassie Philips, a writer, author, and volunteer in her community in the Appalachian Mountains (although I caveat this by saying it was very hard to find any reliable information about her. Which is surprising as her poem seems to have sparked an entire movement!)…

“Just Let them.
If they want to choose something or someone over you, let them.
If they want to go weeks without talking to you, let them.
If they are okay with never seeing you, let them.
If they are okay with always putting themselves first, let them.
If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, let them.
If they want to follow the crowd, let them.
If they want to judge or misunderstand you, let them.
If they act like they can live without you, let them.
If they want to walk out of your life and leave, hold the door open, and let them.
Let them lose you. You were never theirs, because you were always your own.
So let them.”

”Let them show you who they truly are, not tell you.
Let them prove how worthy they are of your time.
Let them make the necessary steps to be a part of your life.
Let them earn your forgiveness.
Let them call you to talk about ordinary things.
Let them take you out on a Thursday.
Let them talk about anything and everything just because it’s you they are talking to.
Let them have a safe place in you.
Let them see the heart in you that didn’t harden.
Let them love you.”

“The only thing you ever have control over is your own actions and reactions” Mel Robbins reminds us. So protect your peace by not wasting your time, focus, attention or happiness trying to control other people. It recalls many a great quote…

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” Anais Nin

Thus, the main thread of the book is that we’re not responsible for other people’s thoughts, actions or opinions. Instead, we must learn to “Let Them”. In other words, let people think badly of you, let them make assumptions, let them rage, argue or be annoying, inefficient, or not reply to your text message, or refuse to eat healthily, or generally ignore your well-meaning advice about anything. Let Them.

Meanwhile, you stay slaying in your lane responding only in line with your own values and integrity — and far from this being a surrender of your power, it is the only way to reclaim it. Psychologists will concur that the more you try to control something you can’t, the more anxious and stressed it will make you. Control is an illusion.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”

Hmmm, you might be thinking, but what if someone is really out of line, rude or being unfair? Let Them. They are revealing themselves to you. “Their disrespect doesn’t say anything about you, how you respond does,” counsels Mel. Move on. Focus on what you can control. Your response can either hurt, or empower you.

But what, I thought, if their actions have the potential to seriously negatively affect you emotionally, financially, or physically? Let Them still? It didn’t seem to wash quite so simplistically in these sorts of circumstances.

But then, let’s imagine an example, say someone is being racist, or threatening you. Mel’s point, and that of all the great sages, is to allow them to do whatever it is they feel they need to do in that moment, but instead of reacting instinctively to the injustice, we take a moment, we breathe, we consider our values, and then we decide what we want to do or say, what needs to be done. Let Them must therefore always be followed by Let Me.

It’s not about not responding or feeling morally superior because you’re no longer allowing your feathers to be ruffled. It’s about taking responsibility for what happens next, choosing how to respond (with the obvious caveat that if someone is being physically violent, you get the hell out of there). As Mel puts it, “Let Me is the opposite of judgement. Let Me is self-awareness, compassion, empowerment and personal responsibility.”

Because for sure it’s easy to respond in an instant flush of reactive indignation stoked by jealousy, insecurity or feeling wronged. To speak before we think. To be a keyboard warrior. But that is the path of the powerless. “The source of your power lies in taking responsibility for what you do, think or say next.” You create a mental gap between your emotions and the situation in hand, and that allows you to observe what’s happening without being consumed by it.

And this is where we realise this is more than a mindset hack. This is rooted in the philosophy of the Stoics, if not some of the tenets of Buddhism (for example, suffering comes from resisting reality). It’s about consciously allowing others to make their own choices, and to live their lives without feeling the need to manage or influence their behaviour. Separating yourself from the wish to change what is, and in so doing reclaiming your emotional freedom. (Inserting another huge caveat here: what I’ve discussed so far applies only to our adult interactions. With our children we are entirely responsible for modelling how they relate to the world and Mel devotes an entire chapter to this at the end of her book.)

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our responses lies our growth and our freedom.” Victor E Frankl

It recalls to me too something a therapist once told me, “For someone to be right, someone else has to be wrong, and therein fail most negotiations.” People don’t like to be told they are wrong. It immediately makes us defensive, and when we’re in that state, neuroscience proves we’re no longer listening, or open to any sort of resolution.

“Jealousy is an invitation from your future self showing you what you might want to do.” Mel Robbins

So how do you negotiate with someone who believes themselves to be right, when you do too? According to Mel, “With acceptance and understanding it is possible for two points of view to be “right” but it takes enormous maturity and empathy to even want to step into someone else’s shoes.” Remembering too that people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.

“Time and space can sometimes create the opportunity for such empathy to grow” she continues, “Maybe not to change their opinions. But it can change understanding.” Nonetheless, the question remains, do you want to use your one and only precious life waiting for this to happen? Hence, again, Let Them, then apply Let Me to decide what you want to do.

Concluding Chapter Two Mel pulls no punches: “When you are an adult your life and your happiness and health, healing, social life, friendships, boundaries, needs, success, they are all your responsibility. If you’ve been secretly hoping that someone else would come and rescue you, fix your problems, pay your bills, heal your wounds, change into your dream partner, or motivate you to be your best, it’s not going to happen. No-one is coming. And anytime you spend blaming other people or waiting for permission or some invitation to come, wasted.”

As she puts it, you get to choose how you want to show up, you can choose to grow. “Galvanise your power. Whoever triggers you, Let Them, and Let Them show you what you need to do.”