How to Raise a Healthy Gamer
A reflection on the book by Dr Alok Kanojia
There are not many books about gaming for parents to read. Only alarming statistics about our children’s loss of focus and the purported rise of ADHD, citing screens as the cause. So when I read this book, written by Dr Alok Kanojia, a video game psychology expert and former gaming addict, it was a revelation.
How to Raise a Healthy Gamer: Break Bad Screen Habits, End Power Struggles, and Transform your Relationship with your Kids by Dr Alok Kanojia.
The thing is, it’s easy to blame the iPads, the games themselves or YouTube, but screens aren’t the villain. The way we use them is. The goal then isn’t removal, it’s education. In other words, not no screens (that horse has well and truly bolted), but intentional screens. And at the end of this post I’ll give you my top tips to use screens without letting them use your child.
But let’s go back a step. My son has just turned 11 years old. He loves video games, especially Fortnite, but I would not consider him addicted. His gaming time is boundaried, and he follows the rules. However, I still notice the grumpiness when I call him down for tea. That he can never come straight off a game, the compulsion is too great to finish a level, or complete a battle. The hot flashes of resistance, irritability or upset when I tried to discuss it. It started to worry me. We managed a few conversations about who was in control here, and that he had to show me that it was always him, but I had a niggling fear that although he toed the line right now, if I didn’t examine the world of gaming in more depth, I might be cueing up a future problem.
You see the thing is, I can’t stand gaming. I can literally think of few things I find less interesting. When I’ve tried to play along, I’m awful. And therein lies a problem. Because I don’t ‘get’ video games, I’m failing to understand why my son loves them so much. As such, the first section of Dr K’s book was a timely education for me.
The book is divided into three sections. The first aims to teach you, the reader aka the concerned parent or caregiver (“the front line of defence against video game addiction”) what it’s all about. Although we might feel like we just want answers to nip it all in the bud pronto, he patiently explains why the first step truly is to understand why our children behave the way they do around gaming. How games affect their neurochemistry and psychology, as well as getting advice on priming your own mindset (think communication skills) to tackle the issues in hand.
The second section focuses on “talking to your child about the steps you hope to take together.” This is assessing your child’s readiness to change and building an alliance with them — so you’re in it together, not you battling them.
Finally, part three is where you take action, “defining and setting healthy boundaries around gaming and using positive behavioural strategies to enforce them.”
Key throughout is that this is a long game not a quick fix. It takes as long as it takes, but Dr K suggests 6-12 months minimum.
I’m not going to run through all of it, for that I recommend you buy the book, but I wanted to share some of the things that shocked me from the first section. The learning for the non-gamer. The why of the book if you will.
First off I agree with Dr K that it’s not particularly relevant whether we believe our child is in the grip of an addiction or not. That’s just labelling. The point is, have you witnessed a negative change in your child’s behaviour. Has your sweet, loving, funny mischievous child become more moody, irritable or angry, over and above the throes of hormones (admittedly tricky to assess at times!)? Or are they retreating into themselves, refusing to join in on family outings, or to walk the dog, resentful that you’ve pulled them away from their screen? Are they becoming disrespectful or skipping schoolwork? As Dr K puts it “If their gaming is causing a problem within your household, if it’s causing a problem for their future, then chances are it’s a problem.”
But it’s not their fault.
Gaming designers are incredibly good at hijacking your child’s brain, specifically the reward centres. The games are designed to be just challenging enough, different enough, constantly updated enough to keep you trying to complete them (too easy and there’s no challenge; too hard and it’s no fun), and when you do, what a rush. Long story short, you keep doing this over and over and the developing brain develops a tolerance to that rush, such that, like an addict, you need more stimulation to achieve the same ‘high’. Thus, if switched to reading a book, for example, this cannot in any way compete with the dazzling dynamic excitement of the magical 3D gaming world. Your child’s brain, now down-regulated — because the brain seeks to keep things on an even keel, it levels out that heightened level of ‘rush’ to ‘normal’ — is physically less capable of finding enjoyment in something like reading.
He goes on to explain that “neuroscientific evidence shows that video games also suppress emotional circuitry… Games are addictive not just because they feel good but also because they diminish bad feelings. All addictive substances share two properties — they not only give pleasure, they also take away pain.” Clarifying that in truth, “any activity that successfully suppresses our negative emotions also has the tendency to be addictive. After all, if we’re feeling bad, or stressed out, or ashamed, or afraid, and we can engage in some kind of behaviour that temporarily makes those feelings go away, that behaviour can be very reinforcing.”
What this means is that gaming can become a very effective ‘coping’ mechanism. Except your child is not coping at all, they are suppressing. To make matters worse, if