In August, in theory, I get to have a break because the ‘studio’ is closed; my OOO is on; and filming on Interior Design Masters pauses for almost three weeks. On the other hand, it’s the school summer holidays and small and I are thrust into continuous cohabitation. Routines go out the window, the dog gets confused, and I find myself somewhat reminded of the trauma of lockdown! Although at least now daily death tolls do not dominate the news (in truth I stopped watching the news then and never went back), I have a car, and we’re allowed to travel.
But I must be on holiday because I promptly caught a cold and found myself taking to the sofa to watch television, which is something I rarely find time to do.
And what a lot of it I saw! I started with my soothing default, Gardener’s World, then allowed BBC iPlayer to tell me what I’d like to view next. As such a show about living in the countryside was followed by a programme about a woman who grows veg in her back garden, then some sort of gardening/cooking mash-up that featured Nadiya Hussein and Marcus Waring among others. All very enjoyable. Then I switched to Netflix and hoovered up the documentaries: Halftime following J Lo at work and home; a series called How to Get Rich (by becoming financially conscious) and another I Am Not Your Guru charting backstage with life coach Tony Robbins at his annual 6-day Date with Destiny event. (The Wham! retrospective and the Arnold Schwarzenegger documentary were next, although I’m now fully recovered and therefore otherwise preoccupied.)
It's an odd viewing list I’ll grant you but I felt I noted links between them prompted by my book of the moment: ‘Mindset: Changing the way you think to fulfil your potential’ by Dr Carol S Dweck, a Stanford University psychologist. It was first published in the UK in 2012 and I was guided to it by a friend who’d been struggling with his direction in life until taking his wife’s advice to read it. Post reading he was practically radiating new purpose! I ordered it as soon as I got home.
Essentially the premise of the book boils down to the distinction between a fixed or growth mindset. The former is one in which you believe that knowledge, skill, competence etc are finite. In any field you have what you have, or are blessed with, and that’s that. Some people are born smart, sporty, sociable, others can draw, a few gifted individuals can change the world. Failure is an indication of lack of knowledge, skill, competence etc.
Whereas in the growth mindset, application and effort determine all outcomes. It’s not so much that anything is possible as you believe improvement in any sphere of life is possible — skills, talents, a relationship (assuming both sides are committed to doing the work). Crucially, needing to ‘do the work’ isn’t seen as failure, or that if you were ‘brighter’, you’d intuitively know this stuff already. It’s seen as learning. This is growth. This is fulfilling your potential.
As I posted on Instagram: “If you only do what you can, you’ll never be more than you are.” And this I realised was the link between my seemingly random viewing. From J Lo missing out on the Oscar nomination she was widely tipped to receive for her performance in Hustlers, to the woman with the ambitious veg patch via Nadiya to the Netflix participants taking control of their money, they are/were/have quested beyond what they might have believed they were capable of; and most importantly, they didn't let failure dent their passion.
I found myself wondering where such a drive stems from. As such, it was particularly fascinating when Dr Dweck discussed parenting. She writes: “If parents want to give their children a gift, the best thing that can do is to teach their children to love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort, seek new strategies, and keep on learning. That way, their children don’t have to be slaves of praise.” For praising children’s intelligence, we learn “harms their motivation and harms their performance.”
In other words, rather than saying, wow, well done for getting 10/10 in that test, we should be asking, ‘What did you learn from it? What else did you try hard at today? Or even, “Gosh, I guess that test was too easy for you then?!’ Of course, Dr Dweck reassures, we can fulsomely appreciate our children’s accomplishments, but the way to foster a growth mindset is to tie those accomplishments to the process. Think process (effort expended, strategies attempted and so on) over results. What we need to steer away from is the judgment inherent in… good test results = smart kid. Don’t judge, teach says the good doctor.
Equally though, it’s not about pulling back from honest and constructive feedback. “If children are protected from it, they won’t learn well. They will experience advice, coaching, and feedback as negative and undermining. Withholding constructive criticism does not help children’s confidence, it harms their future.” Punchy stuff!
It also assumes that the concept of the ‘natural-born’ athlete/genius/insert whatever you like here, is untrue. For sure some people may seem to be pre-disposed with the right physique, eye, ear or talent, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they will thrive. In fact, Dr Dweck cites many examples of ‘naturals’ who without feeling the need to work at something, or crucially ask for help in order to improve (key factors in the development of a growth mindset), they allowed a fear of failure (not living up to the expectations of their ‘natural’ ability) to crush what talent they were born with.
You can perhaps tell I devoured this book! Identifying too aspects of both fixed and growth mindsets in different spheres within myself. Also, in my son. Which is why the chapter on parenting really rocked me to be honest. So, as the holidays loom ahead, I’m seeing it as an amazing opportunity to work on fostering a more comprehensive growth mindset in us both! I’ll let you know how it goes.
PS Dr Dweck has also done a TED talk: The Power of Believing You Can Improve